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That's all that’s in my mind right now…The sound of the heart-beat. As of 5 o'clock in the morning today…I will never see the world again the same way as I did before. I now have a filter of death running through my eyes; clouding my head…coughing up my heart. My grandmother, Tamara, is now dead. In two days shall be the funeral; and I will have to attend. As I’m writing this; I cant think; I don't know if the text above this even makes any sense…but I could on my brain for it to at least try to make sense. I woke up today at around that time to my mothers sobs; she was telling my dad the news. I silently blocked off the memory…I couldn't believe it. I went back to sleep; I hated the world; something was ripped out of me…I don't know what…but something was. I went to sleep and woke up at 2:45 PM…I understand what happened; my body didn't want to wake up; didn't want to face the world as it is. But in the end I guess I had to get up…It felt good to sleep it all off. I now face everything directly..until it hurts so much that i curl up again and wish it all away.
I have been thinking about the whole luck thing; and I was wondering whether this has something to do about it. I really want to doubt it; but I don't know. Fate made me sit beside a girl who I really like; I wonder if that luck has anything to do with Tamara dying. I hope it doesn’t …I don't want to feel guilt on top of sadness. I keep comforting so many people; family members…..We’re not animals…We cant not care. Monkeys have sex whenever they want, dogs piss whenever they want….but we’re humans….we wait till it’s private to sleep with someone…we excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom. But we can understand a passing. My mom is crying and saying that she’s gone. I know that I will never hold her hand again…or look into her eyes….or talk to her about the previous years…I know that she is gone…
But I think I can accept that.
