Bits and Pieces

I haven't written a blog post in a while, haven't I? Truth is, I have tried about 2 times since my last post, and both times abandoned them. Today, I looked at them again and I realised that there are no conclusions to such topics, so I decided to cut them out of their original posts, and write them all together.

Here is goes.

This one was called: “Heartache VS Headache”

There’s a weird similarity between the two. Sure, one can be caused by hitting your head, and the other by not seeing your lover for a while, and sure one can be caused by excessive drinking (actually, now that I think about it, both can be caused by excessive drinking…) and the other by forgetting your daughter at an afterschool study club that was supposed to end at 6 o'clock, but you left her over-night. Regardless of the situation, at the end of the day, either way you feel extremely shitty.

I came home today feeling both. Double the feeling. Okay okay okay, so a little overboard again, maybe not really heart aching, but I wasn't feeling well. I felt a little dumb, and light-headed. But then I felt like I was getting a cold too.

I tried to get up quickly and take my mind off of the events of today, but that just made the pain in my head stab my brain with knives from every corner. Then when i settled into a chair, and began to browse some YouTube videos, my heart began to tug on me, telling me to be depressed. I didn't  listen to it of course, but that doesn't make my cold and depression any better.

Its funny how one gives off this throbbing, hurtful feeling, while the other makes this tugging, pulling, hopeless sensation. I went out with some friends today, and then decided to search for a birthday present with this one girl. We don't really know each other well, so it was a little awkward, but it was fine. What wasn't fine, was how pressured I felt. 

***

Looking back on this moment…jeez that was a while ago…

As I was saying, I felt incredible pressure to make something happen. She was very quiet, but I wasn't sure if she was shy or whatever… I just kept trying to start a conversation, but she just kept butchering it with little “okay”s and mhms (nods).

If it takes two to tango, then dancing is just the same as chatting.

After the horror of the day, before leaving the subway I decided that a hug was in order, and so as we said our goodbyes i held out my hands and she, without a trace of feeling on her face, hugged me back. It wasn't even a second, but whatever. I immediately regretted it, and I guess I felt like I described above. In a couple of weeks, we both knew that both liked each other. And then in a couple more, she stopped talking to me completely. And that was almost a year ago – and we still pass by in the halls in utter silence. I laugh at it, but she really tries her hardest to avoid me. What is this, grade 2?

Yeah, in retrospect, i was dumb. I learned my lesson though. She was the last person I felt complete attraction to, because I later realised that, well - it wasn't worth it. I’ll never “love” anyone like previous girls – its not an attractive quality for one to have. They might even want someone who cares less – No one wants someone who is clingy.

 

This one had no name:

There’s a certain amount of effort required to write an online journal entry. The expectation that thousands of thoughts and emotions need to be compressed into 5-8 paragraphs is quite a pressure on the mind (My mind, anyway). But…it’s not condensing that seems to be the problem – it’s the simple fact that you have to bring back those feelings & memories. You have to hold your breath, dig them up, dust them off and turn them into undead zombies(that, not to mention, could turn on you at any second) just to write the damn thing!

I’d expect that after such a ritual, one would let out a long heavy sigh. And the sigh would be just. When one buries thoughts and memories…they don't expect to bring back them back – especially if they are the  repressed kind.

****

I hate writing about things I’ve put to rest. It doesn't flow - the words tumble and fall and a great deal of effort must be put in before they somewhat arrange themselves into a presentable order. And when they do stand in a line, one sentence feels separate and disconnected from the previous. (See what i mean?)

 

I'm going to wrap this up before I embarrass myself further, before my stitches come undone from all the concerned glances, and before I once again submerge myself in the calm autopilot my mind provides (The Current), before I cant bear it anymore, and before I rightly explode into millions of…well, bits and pieces.

Acid Antlion

I feel like I can’t move or else I’ll touch the acidity. On a post sometime ago(sometime after Halloween), I explained how I fell in love with someone, and how she cracked me. Im okay now, but she’s no more a rubix cu de, but a spider. I guess she had once injected a poison into my mind that only now seem to have come to life and completely stunned me. I was already healed from her previous cuts, but now it seems that the true virus is only beginning. I don’t hate her, no, how could I? Nor do I hate what she’s proposing. But I admit, I wish I was like what she wants, because that would make me something that so many others want. I would become something I sometimes strive to be, because why else do I exist on this damn rock if not to strive towards a goal? Her proposal isn’t ideal, and although I wish her the happiest fortune, I can’t simply allow her to continue. But what can I do? Will I hate the outcome, if positive? Most definitely. Will it change anything about the situation? Not at all. If everything goes bad, which I feel so incredibly guilty for wishing that it will; will I be there for her, not for my own interest? Of course.

A Mirror Image.

She stared at the mirror in deathly silence,
Her hair was dirty and tied with rope.
The world outside was full of violence,
But her own reflection gave her hope.

A tear went down her perfect cheek,
Like a dove plummeting down from the blue,
Crashing in pile of feather 'nd beak.
She hoped the image outside would be untrue.

For in her mirror which filled her gaze,
Hope and love slept
And dreamt of better days.
It was only her who now wept.

When men were angry at each other for reasons now gone rotten,
when the armies attacked each other then,
And left the world withered and forgotten
The spirits of good fortune, went into hiding once again.

She'd faced the daemons, who tried with out luck
To steal her mirror,
but in the reflection of bliss and happiness they all got stuck.
No one of ill fate had ever gotten nearer.

But she saw beyond the good
that the mirror used to show.
It's fatal flaw was understood-
she blew out that candle with the only glow.

And then the spirits were free,
from that wretched broken glass
"To fill the world with good" was their guarantee.
and the first change came to the withered grass.

And the world began to fall back into it's rightful place,
The women picked up what was left of the reflection
And her other stared into her face.
And then she understood that the Hope and Love only masked away the true beauty that she never saw before....

...Her Mirror Image.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel so worn out today. I try to move but my body wants to stay the same. Its bad for me to put so much energy into one thing that the rest of the day feel like crap. The poem that I wrote above (Although it begs to be edited) is trying to capture in essence that sometimes we must not be afraid to take away all other feelings that may be making a picture look so wonderful, and embrace what the reality is - come out of the mask - and see the image for what it really is.

"I won't believe the horror that I see
Is more than your poison inside me
Lets tear away these faces we hide behind
Cutting through the airwaves
Open up our minds
Show ourselves to the world tonight
Cause we are... No longer in disguise!"
-Faces - Scary Kids Scaring Kids

A Mad Man's Tirade

You're terrible.
Okay, maybe in the lightest meaning of the word - but you still are. You cant even make a conversation, much less pretend you care. Okay okay, I dont hate you. It's just a dream. That's what everything feels like. I dont understand anything anymore. I catch myself sometimes, as if I am breaking free of a spell. The best way I can describe it is trying to break to the surface of a current in a river. You can do it for so long,until you mindlessly fall back into the waves. There's no drowning under them either...just a feeling of indifference. It's this "current" that drives me around my day. I get up, go to school, eat lunch, talk to people, go back to class after lunch, go home, and do my homework. There are times when I snap out of it - these are the times when I'm doing something extreme and not something I should be doing (...like when I talked to you about everything on the subway train.) - and I ask myself, "What? Did all that just happen? I cant believe I didn't react to that.". But then I just take a deep breath and let the current take me back in...

I'll probably never talk to you again. And yet...

Nope. Nothing. The Garden that once falsely seemed to flourish for you, has now wilted and curled into a dead clump of rotting petals and bark. Dont worry, it's not you. It's not. it's just...frustration. It's the inability to process information.

Nope, I dont like you. I just...I forgot myself. Stabilo once sang:

"Stick around i got a hunch, we'll bomb this town and stop for lunch and never, nevermind these awful cries it's not as real if you don't look in their eyes"

Im crazy, heheh!
If I am, then whatever. This song thats been playing for a few months is drawing to a close anyway, and I was okay with how it's been delivered.

Do I hate you? No, never. I'll never hate you. They say that the five stages of dying are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For relationships I believe it feels more like bargaining, depression, denial, anger and acceptance. And maybe it's even worse than dying, because you feel everything all at once. The closest thing to hate is anger i guess, but I'm not angry with you. I'm angry at me.

At any rate, I just dont want to talk to you, because to talk to you is a lot like talking to myself with pre-recorded "Hum."s and "Yeah."s .....Just like a pitch black sky-rid of all but a few stars that shine a little when I raise my voice. Sure, once in awhile, a firework will blast through the darkness, and I'll remember why I once liked you - but fireworks seem to run out quickly with you. And the stars can fade with time. And then whats left? Just a pitch black sky.

You're going to avoid me now, I know it. I dont mind. I respect all your choices, so Im going to stop looking up. I'm going to stop trying to gaze at the pitch black sky - waiting for a shooting star or any other sign of life... I'm going to turn around, and head back home.