Bits and Pieces

I haven't written a blog post in a while, haven't I? Truth is, I have tried about 2 times since my last post, and both times abandoned them. Today, I looked at them again and I realised that there are no conclusions to such topics, so I decided to cut them out of their original posts, and write them all together.

Here is goes.

This one was called: “Heartache VS Headache”

There’s a weird similarity between the two. Sure, one can be caused by hitting your head, and the other by not seeing your lover for a while, and sure one can be caused by excessive drinking (actually, now that I think about it, both can be caused by excessive drinking…) and the other by forgetting your daughter at an afterschool study club that was supposed to end at 6 o'clock, but you left her over-night. Regardless of the situation, at the end of the day, either way you feel extremely shitty.

I came home today feeling both. Double the feeling. Okay okay okay, so a little overboard again, maybe not really heart aching, but I wasn't feeling well. I felt a little dumb, and light-headed. But then I felt like I was getting a cold too.

I tried to get up quickly and take my mind off of the events of today, but that just made the pain in my head stab my brain with knives from every corner. Then when i settled into a chair, and began to browse some YouTube videos, my heart began to tug on me, telling me to be depressed. I didn't  listen to it of course, but that doesn't make my cold and depression any better.

Its funny how one gives off this throbbing, hurtful feeling, while the other makes this tugging, pulling, hopeless sensation. I went out with some friends today, and then decided to search for a birthday present with this one girl. We don't really know each other well, so it was a little awkward, but it was fine. What wasn't fine, was how pressured I felt. 

***

Looking back on this moment…jeez that was a while ago…

As I was saying, I felt incredible pressure to make something happen. She was very quiet, but I wasn't sure if she was shy or whatever… I just kept trying to start a conversation, but she just kept butchering it with little “okay”s and mhms (nods).

If it takes two to tango, then dancing is just the same as chatting.

After the horror of the day, before leaving the subway I decided that a hug was in order, and so as we said our goodbyes i held out my hands and she, without a trace of feeling on her face, hugged me back. It wasn't even a second, but whatever. I immediately regretted it, and I guess I felt like I described above. In a couple of weeks, we both knew that both liked each other. And then in a couple more, she stopped talking to me completely. And that was almost a year ago – and we still pass by in the halls in utter silence. I laugh at it, but she really tries her hardest to avoid me. What is this, grade 2?

Yeah, in retrospect, i was dumb. I learned my lesson though. She was the last person I felt complete attraction to, because I later realised that, well - it wasn't worth it. I’ll never “love” anyone like previous girls – its not an attractive quality for one to have. They might even want someone who cares less – No one wants someone who is clingy.

 

This one had no name:

There’s a certain amount of effort required to write an online journal entry. The expectation that thousands of thoughts and emotions need to be compressed into 5-8 paragraphs is quite a pressure on the mind (My mind, anyway). But…it’s not condensing that seems to be the problem – it’s the simple fact that you have to bring back those feelings & memories. You have to hold your breath, dig them up, dust them off and turn them into undead zombies(that, not to mention, could turn on you at any second) just to write the damn thing!

I’d expect that after such a ritual, one would let out a long heavy sigh. And the sigh would be just. When one buries thoughts and memories…they don't expect to bring back them back – especially if they are the  repressed kind.

****

I hate writing about things I’ve put to rest. It doesn't flow - the words tumble and fall and a great deal of effort must be put in before they somewhat arrange themselves into a presentable order. And when they do stand in a line, one sentence feels separate and disconnected from the previous. (See what i mean?)

 

I'm going to wrap this up before I embarrass myself further, before my stitches come undone from all the concerned glances, and before I once again submerge myself in the calm autopilot my mind provides (The Current), before I cant bear it anymore, and before I rightly explode into millions of…well, bits and pieces.